If the Shoe Doesn't Fit
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: What if the shoe didn't fit Cinderella? A desperate Prince Sasuke turns to his best friend for help. After all, Suigetsu's a great head in a crisis--except he wants Sasuke too, and he won't let some pink haired bimbo snap him up. SuiSasu SakuKarin


**If the Shoe Doesn't Fit…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: Hey, writing a fairytale fic didn't feel nearly as bad as writing a high school one! **

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"It didn't fit _**anyone?**_" Sasuke asked incredulously. His chamberlain, Naruto, shrugged. "Nope."

"Are you telling me," the Prince said in total disbelief, "That there is not one woman in the entire kingdom…"

"Or the two neighboring kingdoms," Naruto reminded him.

"Or the two neighboring kingdoms with a shoe size of…of…"

"Seven," the blond nodded, "Well, yeah, there are plenty, but the weird thing is, the shoe keeps shrinking down or blowing up so that _**no one's **_foot fits it. We think—and by we I mean me, because the dunderheads you gave me to work with are exactly those, dunderheads—we think it only works for its owner."

"And that would be the pink haired bombshell from the ball," Sasuke concluded glumly, "Who was the only one who didn't want to dance with me, who I wooed with great difficulty and who ran out on me leaving a stupid glass slipper." He glared at the innocuous looking footwear as though it had cracked a bad 'yo momma' joke.

"Basically, yeah," Naruto said.

The Prince slouched on his divan. "Get Suigetsu."

His blond attendant blinked. "No!"  
"He's a good head in a crisis," Sasuke reminded him, "And if this isn't a crisis, what is?"

"Yeah, but he's such an asshole!"  
"He's also a duke," the Uchiha rolled his eyes, "And he doesn't take lip from help."

"He takes head though."

"Naruto!"

"Like you didn't know," the blue eyed male scoffed, "He's slept with half his staff _**and **_half of ours."  
"He's my best friend," Sasuke sighed, "And he likes you. And while he's here, you're going to be civil to him."

"He _**should **_like me. I'm the only one who doesn't keel over in awe at the sight of his stupid face," Naruto scowled, "And _**fine,**_" he added at the look on Sasuke's face, "Fine, I'll play perfect host to the asshole."

"And you can have a month of paid vacation when I get married," Sasuke said majestically.

"Whatever," Naruto muttered, "It'd be so much easier if you'd just give in and marry _**me.**_"

The raven haired man shook with laughter. "Not even in your dreams, Uzumaki."

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Suigetsu was in the bath when the messenger arrived. He waved away the boykins who were bathing him and waved at the guards to let the local Hermes in.

The local Hermes—whose name was Konohamaru—stuttered and stammered over the unabashedly naked man until Suigetsu tutted in annoyance, heaved himself clear of the pool and snatched the letter out of the messenger's hands. He scanned it quickly, a frown stamped upon his fine features.

A bride? For Sasuke? For _**his **_uke-to-be? Oh my, how so very troublesome. Well, at least he'd see Karin. Pissing her off always made the water lover feel better.

"Juugo!" he hollered to his body guard, "Pack the water bottles, we're going to Konoha!" He sauntered away, giving Konohamaru such a lovely view of his backside that the boy fainted.

Suigetsu paused at the door to poke a guard. "Take the pipsqueak to the infirmary," he ordered, "I don't think he's ever seen a pair of danglers like mine."

The guard nodded and hurried to obey. Suigetsu carried on.

"Juugo! Water bottles, _**now**_!"

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Like every good fairy tale, there is a damsel in this story. Actually, there are two. Well, if you want to be technical about it there are even more, but just the two we focus on, yeah.

Haruno Sakura was the name of one. A spring cherry blossom. I know what you're thinking—delicate, demure, dainty, right?

"You son of a _**bitch! **_I'm gonna use your spleen as a star on my Christmas tree!"

"Ugly-dog, no! Owwww—we're Buddhist, we don't do Christmas—god fuck it—and I didn't mean to spill those shitty eggs!"

"You're going to _**die**_! What the hell am I gonna tell Ino!?"

Decidedly not. Haruno Sakura was a hooligan, a wild card, a disgrace to the name lady. The only thing delicate about her was the balance of her temper, which is always tipping towards anger…

"Motherfucker, woman, that doesn't _**bend **_that way!"

As is being demonstrated.

Sai was having a craptastic day. He'd been late getting up—and _**today, **_of all days, the day he had a date—and in his rush to get out of the house, he'd bumped into a pink haired lass with a basket of eggs on one hand and a bag of flour on the other. Bodies collided, eggs broke, flour spilt, and Sai was in the middle of being beaten to a pulp, so if you'll excuse him he'll just finish up and be with you in a moment.

"And_** that,**_" Sakura said as she kneed him hard in the stomach, "Was for calling me ugly dog."

"Stupid bitch," Sai muttered. Jasper eyes that had turned away flashed dangerously in his face.

"What did you say?" a clover-sweet voice asked.

"I'm going to replace your groceries?"

"That's what I thought."

As I presume you've guessed (or will pretend to have guessed) Sakura is the girl Sasuke was looking for. She knew this, which was why she'd poured salt instead of sugar into Ino's tea a few days ago, to get herself locked in the basement when the blond with the shoe came around town.

Now surely, one might pause to ask, an attractive young girl in an unpleasant household would leap at the chance to be able to marry out into a rich home like the Prince's. And one would be totally correct. Sakura did want to marry out into a rich home. Just not the Prince's. Just not any man's, actually.

Eyes widen and realization dawns, I see. Good, you're not entirely useless then.

Sakura _**had **_wanted to go to the ball, and she _**had **_been sulking in the garden because Ino had ruined her gown, and she _**had **_had a fairy godmother appear and send her off after some fancy alchemy. But Sakura had wanted to go to the ball for a very specific reason, and it had nothing to do with annoying Princes who wouldn't leave her the hell alone.

No, she'd gone to the ball to find herself an eligible young _**lady. **_And why shouldn't she, when every eligible young lady was attending and so willingly displaying her wealth? From the chimney sweepers' nieces to the Earls' daughters, they were all there. It had taken Sakura all of two minutes to single out the one she wanted.

Karin of the Hebi clan, a well known associate of the Prince's and seventh in line for the throne.

It was her hair. Sakura, with her bubblegum pink crown, was an anomaly in the servant class. She'd fretted that it would get her caught at the ball by Ino, but the fairy godmother had assured her that the upper classes found it very fashionable to have hair of that color. When Sakura arrived she's realized that is was true—she was one of dozens of rosettes. But none of them were natural. She smelled the powdered wigs from ten feet away, all a few hues lighter than her own shade of pink.

Karin was also a natural pink head.

Her hair, Sakura had to admit, was gorgeous. It was a deep fuchsia that accented the crimson eyes, straight and serrated at the edges. Her lips were laughing, but the eyes had a subtle sort of cruelty that compelled Sakura to find a seat before she got dizzy.

Oh, that was definitely what she wanted.

"Excuse me miss," a bored voice had cut across her thoughts and a navy blue suit had cut across her vision, "May I have this dance?"

"No you may not," she'd snapped at the Prince.

Perhaps if she'd put off gawking at Karin for five minutes to give the man a dance, he'd have left her alone. He certainly had reason to do so. So far his eyes had snagged on Ino the lascivious blonde, the belle of the ball, the scrounge of Sakura's life. Her stepmother wasn't bad—it was Ino who got Sakura's goat. But the rosette repelled Sasuke, and because certain men find rejection an invitation to try again, he did until she gave in just to shut him up.

Sighing desolately, Sakura walked into her house to Ino's shrieks ("BILLBOARD, where are my _**panties?**_") She had to find a way into the Palace. It wasn't love at first sight, but _**some **_emotion so powerful the younger rosette couldn't sleep at night for want. She didn't care if Karin was Ino's soul-twin, just to have that _**gaze **_on her would be more than enough. Besides, if they married, Sakura would never have to lift a finger again. She could grow fat like she'd always longed to do!

"Billboard, panties!"

"Up your ass, Ino," Sakura muttered wearily, and trudged up the stairs.

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"Suigetsu!" Sasuke hugged his friend, "Its been too long!"

"I'm glad to be here too," the fair haired male grinned, "But not for the reason you think."

"No?" the Prince frowned, drawing away.

"No," Suigetsu confirmed, "Your Palace has bigger baths."__

"You bastard."

"'I love you too, kettle,' the pot said."

Naruto cleared his throat to interrupt the reunion. "Its good to see you again, Suigetsu-sama."

"Suigetsu _**sama?" **_the guest's eyebrows flopped comically around his forehead, "Didn't you take a slipper to my head the last time I was here, Naruto?"

"You stuck your hand down my pants, you freaking retard, you're lucky that's all I did!" the blond shouted. Sasuke face palmed himself and Suigetsu grinned.

"That's the feisty blond I keep trying to sleep with."

"You forgot being continually rejected by," Sasuke muttered.

Naruto glared at them both, and then threw up his hands in submission. "Whatever. Welcome, jackass, and don't sleep with anyone I know."

"I'll try to remember that. Now, what's this about you looking for some girl?" he directed the question at the Prince. The man's eyes glazed over.

"She really was some girl. Real pink hair a temper to boil the kettle at fifty paces, skin like satin. She was a real bitch, I could tell, but the good kind of bitch, yanno."

Suigetsu stared at his friend, jealousy thrumming in his veins. He'd give a _**lot **_to make Sasuke's face go like that. When he actually took in the girl's description, he shot Naruto a sharp glance.

"He just described _**Karin.**_"

"That's what I thought too; but the eyes are wrong."

"No," Sasuke smirked, "They're perfect. The color of winter jade."

"That's a shade of green, right?" Suigetsu, who wasn't given to imagery on the whole, asked. Naruto nodded, and the duke blinked. "So what's the problem? How many girls with real pink hair _**are **_there? Put up a few posters. Bitch with green eyes and natural pink hair, wanted."

"Because we're really that stupid?" the blond attendant rolled his eyes, "We already did that in the week—a _**week **_it took you to respond to an Imperial summons, I swear that's some sort of treason—it took you to get here. About five dozen girls showed up, none of them were his."

"Maybe she was sick, and didn't want you to see her looking bad?" Suigetsu suggested.

Sasuke slumped into a pouf (oh, the irony kills me). "Was that supposed to be funny? That wasn't even in the same zip code as funny."

"Think about it," Suigetsu reasoned, the shadow of a plan coalescing in his mind, "If you made an impression on this girl like she made on you…would you really want your second—more romantic—meeting to star _**phlegm**_?"

The Prince shuddered. "No. Oh gods no."

"Exactly. Of course," the duke added, "She might have an abusive family that won't let her see you. Or maybe she's really the concubine of a toilet cleaner and is too embarrassed to meet you."

"A good head in a crisis," Naruto said dryly. Sasuke smoldered at his friends. "I don't care what you do or how much money you use or how many baths you take. In a month, there is going to be a natural rosette by my side or I'll marry a _**dog, **_so help me."

"I hear Pakkun's looking for a mate," Suigetsu ventured in the silence that followed, and he and Naruto fled the Prince's shrieks.

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There are some people the Fates love to hate. Sad souls plagued throughout their lives with bad hair days, unlucky love lives and lousy taste in music.

Karin was not such a person.

The Fates did not love to hate her. They weren't even mildly attracted by the possibility of rather disliking her. She was just too scary. If any Fate dared five Karin a bad hair day, the fuchsia haired female would hunt the poor bitch down and skewer her indelicately with a rusty fork.

Well, probably not. But no one was willing to try.

Sakura was a wild card, a hooligan, a rowdy young thin. Karin was too—but etiquette demanded that she pretend to be ladylike in civilized company. Being born into the aristocracy, Karin was obliged to do as etiquette dictated much in the same way you and I are obliged to obey our mothers. Etiquette, however, doesn't nag at people to clean up their rooms or get rid of their ripped jeans. It insists that one be unfailingly polite to even the most trying idiots.

"Oh, Karin-san, your beauty is like that of a phoenix in flight!"

In Karin's case, suitors.

"Thank you, Daisuke-kun."

"Will you accompany me to my sister's wedding, Karin-san?"

"I'm afraid I've a prior engagement, Nao-kun."

She couldn't wait until that Sakura from the ball found her. Because of course she'd noticed the ogling female—how could she not? The only two natural rosettes at the damn ball, it was only natural that they seek each other out. Karin had decided to come out of the closet that night to spite Sasuke, steal his thunder. At midnight, she'd intended on kissing the prettiest girl present, come what may and hell to pay. She'd decided against it when she saw Sakura. She wanted to get to know this girl. There was just…something about her that reminded Karin of herself. But then Sasuke—stupid, sexy, smirking Sasuke—had stepped in and monopolized the girl right until the twelfth stroke of the bell, upon which Sakura had traipsed off into the metaphorical sunset. Karin knew Sasuke would look for her, but she had better brains than to let the pretty little thing go without a fight. She'd had a page follow her home and observe for a week. She'd learnt all she needed to know: Sakura wanted her, and Sakura would find her.

"Karin-san, your hair is like a ripple on a lake of rose water!"

Until then, etiquette did its thing and Karin obliged. When she'd gotten rid of them all, a voice spoke up from behind her.

"Well, if it isn't the Bitchy Bitch of the North."

Etiquette could go stuff its ass with doilies when _**he **_was here.

"Suigetsu! You stupid dick, what the hell are you doing here!?"

The duke sneered lazily at her outburst. "The Prince is my best friend, and he's asked me to solve a problem for him. I'm going to find him a bride, and its not you. Feel free to start sobbing in despair now."

Karin's heart plummeted. He was talking about _**her **_Sakura. Fuck. She narrowed her eyes at her rival. "You, find Sasuke a bride? I always thought you wanted to _**be **_his bride. And hello, its been years since I wanted him. I don't swing his way, dick."

"I want him to be _**my **_bride," Suigetsu corrected, not absorbing the enormity of her statement, "And he will be. Don't worry your stupid head about it, I'd think it has enough problems trying to figure out which way your ass would face when you're taking a shit."

Naruto turned the corner and heard enough to justify a sharp smack to Suigetsu's upper arm. "A little chivalry, please!"

"Don't bother with _**him, **_Naruto," Karin sniffed, "He wouldn't know respect if it bit him the balls."

"Wouldn't be a very respectful thing for respect to do," Suigetsu observed.

"Your mom's ass," Karin informed him. Naruto winced. "Language, someone could hear!"

"You're such a wuss, blondie," Suigetsu laughed. "Quit acting so high and mighty, I happen to know you know enough language to make sailor faint."

"I don't use it in civilized company!" Naruto scowled before turning on his heel and storming away. Karin and Suigetsu turned on each other.

"What do you mean, he'll be your bride?" the former hissed.

"What do you mean, you don't swing his way?" the latter spat.

Karin smirked. "You first."

"Mine is juicier. Yours is obvious; I just want confirmation and a name if there is one," Suigetsu shot back. She considered this and decided it was fair enough.

"I swing the other way, I'm a dyke, I bat for the other team, I'm queer, I drive my carriage on the other side of the road," Karin said, "Take your pick. As for a name…let's just say it's in _**both **_of our best interests if Sasuke midnight mystery woman remains elusive."

"How do you…?"

"I had her followed."

"And Sasuke didn't think of this because…?"

"He was busy swooning over a shoe, I think."

Suigetsu looked skeptical, so she added, "The Fates love me. What can I say?"

A few worlds away, the Fates rolled their eyes. Back on Earth Suigetsu was tipping the last of the water into his mouth. He rolled the glass bottle around in his palms, and then nodded resolutely. "We join forces. You get the girl, I get the boy. What do you reckon will happen to you—seventh-in-line-for-the-throne-wise—when you marry her?"

"It'll be an awfully queer thing to revert to, if you'll pardon the pun," Karin admitted, "But if Sasuke's on our side, we'll get by. The trick is to make him fall for you first, I think."

"I like the sound of that," Suigetsu grinned, "Him falling for me first, I mean. So tell me more about this girl."

"I hear the ladies in waiting," Karin said darkly with a flutter of her hands to indicate tedium. "We'll meet later. Tonight in my bedchambers. You won't find out a thing about that girl, so just fuck off."

"You're charming, you know that?"

"Piss off, jackass."

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"So this girl," Sai struggled to follow as Sakura bustled around the stables, "This girl—woman, I mean, she's a bitch, and you know she's a bitch, which is why you want to be her bitch?"

"She's also rich," the rosette reminded him as she tore open a bundle of hay. The stables and farmyard bordered Sai's workplace (the forge) and the two friends could talk at this border without consequences.

"This shit is so fucked up," Sai complained randomly as he hefted his hammer, "Is this something a real artist should be carrying? Um, _**fuck **_no. Stupid dick of a sensei, that Sasori, thinking _**this **_is art, he's such a bastard. And I bet he has a one-inch pe—"

**"**Sai, _**focus.**_**"**

"Oh, right. So now you have to get back into the Palace to see this girl."

"Yes, and I need your help. You have a contact there, right? Your date? See if he can get me a job there. A maid or something, where I can move around."

Sai raised his head over the low wall that separated them. "Oh _**fuck **_no. Ugly dog—fine, Sakura, we're friends, I'll give you that, but there is no way I'm asking my date to set you up. I mean, he's not even my boyfriend yet! I can't ask the dickless one for favors like that so early on if I ever want to see his ass opening up for me, all tight and dripping in–"

"Too much detail, you perverted pouf!" a pail of pig feed sloshed over the wall with an offended air "God, you're disgusting. Fine then, you sad excuse for a friend, can you at least cover for me while I'm gone? I don't need Ino telling people I've eloped with a pig."

"Can I tell them I saw you getting raped by a big man with a fifteen inch—"

"No."

"Listen, it'll be great, you'll be half naked…"

"No."

"I can give him nice eyes too, add a little romance, and tell people your tits are a lot bigger than they look…"

"I swear to the Buddha, Sai, if you say one more word I'll stuff your head up a stallion's ass!"

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"What are you waiting for?" Sai asked impatiently. The pink haired female pulled nervously at her bandana. "Look," she said, "Over there. A black cat. That signifies bad luck!"

"That signifies that the animal is going somewhere. You should follow its example."

"I can't do this," Sakura groaned, "What made me think sneaking into the Palace was a good idea? What made me think I could get her? What if she likes men?"

"Hot girl," Sai intoned in what was clearly meant to be a motivational voice, "Filthy rich. Moving away from Ino. Happy life, and that sort of shit. Come on, I'll get you in." He grabbed her forearm and steered her to the side gates of the compound. The guard there raised an eyebrow at them, a homosexual smile directing itself at Sai.

"You don't have any business here," he purred, managing to sound suggestive and menacing together.

"Shut the fuck up, Kiba, I didn't bribe you to get hit on and teased. Move or I'll release the bitch on you. You should know: she bites."

"You bribed him?" Sakura marveled, overlooking the bite thing, "You _**do **_care!"

"You'll pay me back when you're a Palace whore, right?"

"With interest," she promised. Kiba cleared his throat. "My watch ends in like, ten minutes, and I don't think you can bribe Shino, Sai."

Sai hugged his friend fiercely. "Go get her," he said, "And if you see my little eunuch running around—his name's Naruto—smack his ass for me and tell him I send my warmest wet dreams."

"Um, no," the rosette said, "But thanks."

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Sakura snuck into the kitchen and picked up a tea tray. "Lady Karin wants it," she informed whoever glanced at her, "She's asked me to bring it up to her chambers. Which way, again? I'm new."

"That way," a hand would wave, and she set off.

When she was outside a wooden door in the east wing, she composed herself. It thundered down on her that she was a peasant with absolutely nothing to give but a killer body, about to ask a noble of the same sex to marry her. Her will quavered, but she wouldn't be Sakura if it failed completely, so she knocked anyway.

"Come on in!" called a male voice.

Sakura entered. And gaped.

Karin was on her bed, straddling and kissing a man, and the Prince watched from the opposite door with a stunned expression on his face.

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Naruto's jaw fell open. With some difficulty he closed it. When Sasuke's words sank in, it fell open again. He let it hang for lack of brain cells to coordinate its closing, and gawked at the dark haired man.

"You're _**gay**_?"

A nod.

"For _**Suigetsu**_?"

Another nod.

"And you never wanted the Sakura girl for a wife except you figured you might get along with her, and the reason you never told anyone…"

His head positioned itself to nod.

"Is because you thought Itachi, the Crown Prince, was gay…"

A nod.

"And now that you just received a letter announcing his engagement to this…uh, who…"

"Anko."

"Anko woman from god knows what heritage, you want help to win over _**his **_heart, Suigetsu, because you think he only likes you as a friend?"

A final nod. An expectant pause.

"Well how convenient."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Am I missing something here? I expected you to have a seizure specifically because its all so _**in**_convenient."

"I would. Believe me, I would. But I had my doubts about you—what straight man would have hair that nice?—and I happen to know for a fact that Suigetsu likes you as more than a friend."

The Prince stared disbelievingly.

"No kidding?"

"No kidding."

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Suigetsu had been early. Karin had not been amused.

"What part of _**tonight **_did your water clogged brain fail to comprehend? Its not even teatime, you dunderhead! Suppose someone saw you? What would it look like!?"

"A tryst," the water lover said, supremely snotty about it, "Now stop having a hissy fit and talk. How do we make Sasuke fall for me when he's convinced he's straight, despite all evidence to the contrary?"

"All evidence to the contrary?" Karin echoed.

"His hair. His clothes. His choice of company. For the love of fuck, the pouf even walks gay!"

"Suigetsu," Kari shook her head, "Why would Sasuke ever want you? You're a jerk."

"A very hot jerk he's known since childhood and would make him happier than when Itachi got him that stupid horse on his eleventh birthday, if only would see it."

Karin groaned. "If he wasn't after Sakura, I wouldn't even have to be in the same room as you!"

"Who's Sakura? Not the same cherry blossom of the ball?"

Karin bit her lip. "Shit."

Suigetsu wagged his eyebrows. "Poor little whore, did you let slip her name? Well, this _**does **_narrow it down. A pink haired girl with green eyes called Sakura. Oh la."

"Shut up," Karin snapped.

"Protective already? Is she your bitch, Karin? The bitch's bitch, hah!"

"I said shut up!" Karin growled, shoving him. She'd forgotten how light he was, how strong she was. They fell on her bed.

"Jeez," he said, "Fine, I'll quit baiting you on the topic. No need to throw yourself at me."

A knock sounded on the door. Suigetsu grinned as a malicious idea gripped his brain. "Come on in!" he called, and pulled Karin into a kiss.

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If Sasuke didn't know better, he'd say Suigetsu was grinning.

"You _**jackass!**_" the shriek wasn't his; it was Karin's. The Prince stepped inside the room and shut the door behind him, vaguely thankful that the maid had done the same. Wisps of pink hair peered out from under her bandana, and her eyes were riveted on him. Would she have gossip to carry back to the servants' quarters tonight! The duke and the lady, and the Prince himself walking in on them!

Sensational.

"Suigetsu," he heard himself rumble. The man stopped chuckling and dodging all the pillows being thrown at him to glance at Sasuke. The laughter slid off his face.

"You _**bastard,**_" Karin and Sasuke hissed in tandem. The former threw a concluding cushion, and the latter stormed out. Suigetsu looked helplessly from Karin's livid face to the door.

"I'll buy you something pretty later," he promised hastily as he ran out the door. "Sasuke! I can explain!"

Karin shouted something incomprehensible at him, presumably insulting his father's dick, and turned to Sakura.

"You took your time," she said, "I guess this is a worst case scenario, huh? Are you in shock?"

Sakura found her tongue and dragged it to her mouth. "You know who I am?"

"Of course. How terrible do you think security here is? I told all the guards that any pink haired women should be shepherded to me."

Sakura said, "Liar. My friend bribed a guard and didn't mention anything about me."

Karin smiled, and Sakura nearly fainted. "Alright, you caught me. I thought I would sound impressive. So, little cherry blossom, do you have a proposition for me, or are you really here to serve tea?"

Sakura set down the tray. "I am a poor man's daughter," she said evenly, "But I'm fierce and loyal and loving. And I clean up well under all the muck. And I want you to marry me."

Karin examined her nails. "The fact that you walked in on me kissing a man?"

"Bothers me less than the fact that you called me cherry blossom. Judging from the screams, it was either a very bad kiss or you don't do men."

"Correct both times," Karin clucked approvingly, "Very good. You ought to know I had a page follow you home from the ball. I'd already made up my mind to marry you." She smirked. "We make a pretty match. Men will have dreams starring the two of us."

Sakura threw her arms around the older girl. "You don't know what you've gotten yourself into," she laughed, her heart singing for joy, "Did you page tell you I bite?"

"I'm a bit of a masochist," Karin grinned, "Bite me, baby."

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"Sasuke!"

"Fuck off."

"Sasuke!"

"Fuck off."

"Sasuke!"

Strange, the voice sounded weird now. The Prince turned to see that his friend had tripped over god knows what and lay crumpled on the marble floor of the corridor, clutching his ankle.

"Karma sucks," Sasuke smirked, "What goes around, comes around."

"Sometimes so fast you get whiplash," Suigetsu grunted, "Help me up, please? I know what it looked like, but I was just trying to piss her off!"

"By kissing her?"

"It's Karin!"

Sasuke considered this, and helped the duke to his feet.

"Fine," he said.

Suigetsu peered at him slyly from under a fringe of silky hair. "Why're you so concerned anyway?"

Sasuke didn't mince words. He slapped the man hard, and grabbed his collar to pull him into a barbaric kiss.

When Suigetsu reeled back a few long seconds later, he wondered what his name was, and why he didn't care. He caught sight of Sasuke—hair mussed, lips swollen, chest heaving—and threw himself into another kiss, just as violent as the first. They fell apart again for air, unwilling to stop. Their lips clashed together, breathy whimpers and throaty moans taking the place of words. Eventually, Suigetsu gathered himself enough to gasp out, "Sasuke, will you marry me? Will you be my bride, bridegroom, whatever? Will you be _**mine**_?"

"Duh," Sasuke laughed, too short of breath to say more, and Suigetsu collapsed into another kiss.

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The weddings, at Sasuke's insistence, took place simultaneously. Naruto was best man to Sasuke, and Juugo to Suigetsu until a woman in a scarlet gown set off his bloodthirst. They put a paper bag over his head to calm him down, and the bag stayed on through the ceremony. Sai, sexy and suave in a girly tux (no one could say how it was girly, but no one who saw him that day was in any doubt as to what he was—a class A queerosexual) was Sakura's maid of honor. Karin said a grand fuck all to tradition and showed up with a baby lizard as a MOH, much to the officiating priest's chagrin.

"This would've been so much easier if we'd just eloped," Karin sighed after another round of greeting gushing guests.

Sakura elbowed her. "As if I'd have let you get away with not giving me a wedding."

They kissed, and the aristocrat smiled warmly at her wife. "You're a great big money whore," she said softly, "But we'll be alright."

"Hell yeah we will," Sakura rubbed their noses together. Suigetsu tapped Karin's shoulder, Sasuke protesting about something behind him. "Yo," he said, "I want a wedding gift."

"Fuck off, dick. You didn't get us anything."

"As a matter of fact," he said smugly, "Since I'm moving into the Palace, I've bequeathed you mine. Five hundred miles between you and me, how's that?"

"Pretty good," Karin allowed, "What do you want?"

"Something I've wanted ever since I met you," he beamed warmly at her. She raised an eyebrow. He proved conclusively that chivalry was well and truly dead by drawing his fist back and punching her nose.

"To see you bleed," he said, and began to run.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Don't you love how many ways there are to say 'gay'? 8D **


End file.
